I was raised to believe desire was a sin, and then I met Leah. Leah was brilliant and the most indelicate of women, the kind that is quite capable of causing pain and knows how. I never felt it as malicious so much as borne of hidden despair, all the worse for her having grown accustomed to it. I never figured out if she realized what she was doing or she was merely acting out an unconscious pattern. It didn't matter; I was in love with her. I was in my thirties and still car

“What is the reward for knowing the worst?” — Donald Barthelme ________________________________________ In Turin, on January 3rd, 1889, Friedrich Nietzsche stepped out the door of Number 6, Via Carlo Alberto, perhaps to take a stroll, perhaps to collect his mail. Nearby, a cabman struggled with a stubborn horse. Despite repeated urging, the animal refused to move. The cabman lost his patience and took his whip to it. Nietzsche, solidly built, full-mustached, approached and en

Another snowfall. I haven't seen the grass in more than a month. It's depressing and beautiful at the same time. Looking out my window before the snowfall on Sunday morning, I noticed that a Canada goose was sitting on the ice in the same spot since Saturday. It was off by itself and only occasionally swung its neck but did not move. Later that morning, I noticed one of the Toulouse geese swimming madly in circles in the middle of the pond where the bubblers kept the pond fro

Autumn was in the air, and the morning delivered the weather I’d hoped for. It was one of those grey days I loved so much as a boy. Those cool, overcast days matched my disposition more closely than any other season. I was a melancholy kid, constantly bewildered by the world around me, and never quite sure how to make sense of what I felt. It wasn’t just the greyness I loved—it was the barrenness. The naked trees, the wind, the damp smell of the air, the absence of blue sky.

It’s a beautiful Autumn day. It’s 9:14 AM and I have just finished a bowl of shredded wheat with a sliced-up banana. I put on my Mr. Rogers green cardigan sweater, freckled with moth holes and worn thin at the sleeves, and step outside into the chilly morning. The sky is blue, with only a few small clouds. I fill the bird feeder and feed the six Toulouse geese and the single remaining Pekin duck some scratch feed. They eat first, and after they finish, the gaggle of Canadian

“Travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.” – Miriam Beard It’s easy to see Paris. It’s harder to feel it — but if you can, it will change you. It’s my next-to-last night in the city, and I’m sitting at a small table outside the Rarita restaurant on rue Saint-Honoré, just a few blocks from my apartment. I am making a determined effort to look Parisian: leaning back in my chair, legs crossed, wearing that

“There is a force of love moving through the universe that holds us fast and will never let us go." – Julian of Norwich I'm a young boy curled into a ball on the top stair. My parents have been fighting again, and my dad has left the house for Kmet’s Bar. My brothers and sisters have scattered to places unknown to escape the tension. For some reason I am alone at home with my mother. I am incredibly lonely, afraid, and just want to be comforted. My plan is to roll down the st

תחשוב טוב יהיה טוב “Tracht gut vet zein gut”—think good, and it will be good.” Rooted in Jewish wisdom, this phrase resonates deeply with me. It shows how thought, ritual, and intention can transform us — a concept I have come to appreciate through my journey across faiths and spiritual practices. I was raised Catholic and although I long ago moved away from Catholic dogma, I still find comfort in the ritual of the Mass. My spiritual path has taken me through many traditions:

“We lock ourselves in echo chambers where we only hear ourselves.” – Robert Pirsig In those early days, the only thing keeping me alive was my morning cup of coffee and day-old pastries from Café Lyria, a cozy spot on Crosby Street. That, and a cupboard full of ramen noodles and instant meals, just add hot water. My morning coffee had to be fresh, but I didn’t mind the day-old pastries, they tasted fine, plus they were cheap. It was late November, and I had just turned an ami

“It is no good anticipating regrets. Every tomorrow ought not to resemble every yesterday.”―  Beryl Markham, West with the Night   I am sitting at a little table in a comfortable studio apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. It’s a second-floor walkup on East 82nd Street and has everything one might need to live in New York City. Framed by tied-back light brown curtains, a gray morning light filters through the windows, and I hear the cooing of pigeons on the ledge. I

“It is by believing in roses that one brings them to bloom.” - Anatole France It’s early evening and already dark as I pull into my...

“There can never be a single story. There are only ways of seeing.” - Arundhati Roy  To insure their crops against loss from natural disasters or adverse weather, farmers must submit detailed reports to the USDA. This includes specifying the type of crop, total acreage, how much of each field is devoted to a specific crop, and the date planted. This information must be submitted to the USDA Farm Service Agency (FSA) by a July 15th deadline. The acreage report is often submitt

“Above all, do not lose your desire to walk: every day I walk myself into a state of well-being and walk away from every illness. I have...

“By a grace of sudden intuition, the normally unknowable makes itself known, and the knowledge is self-validating beyond the possibility of doubt.” - Aldous Huxley The sun has just passed its zenith and I am drenched in sweat from working in the orchard since early this morning on this hot, humid day. There’s no real shade as the trees are still small. It’s now early afternoon and I have finished weeding and mulching around each sapling. I have also cleared a patch of ground

“Rings and jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only gift is a portion of thyself”. – Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803-1882 “Would...

The picture below shows an onion seed, an asparagus seed, and a penny. You can see that the seeds are quite small. Small is where I began...

“La vie est un sommeil, l'amour en est le rêve.” Daniel sat at one of the small bright blue tables that adorned the sunny terrace of La Fontaine de Belleville, 31-33 Rue Juliette Dodu, Paris. Sparrows flitted under the tables scouring for crumbs while Alpine Swifts darted about, screeching noisily but never landing. Swifts spend most of their lives in the air. They can fly for months without having to land, living on insects snatched in flight and swopping down to drink on th

“Thirty-six hours after she died, they brought her into the room. Leaning over the body, Anne felt the area right over the heart and it...

I want to be invisible. Ronnie wants to be invisible. We found a way. Ronnie and I are scheduled to give a talk in front of a large...

“To find your way, you must become lost. Generously so.” - Bayo Akomolafe Dennis Chan is angry with me. Rightfully so. He won’t openly express it, but I can feel it. I was supposed to meet him at 8:30 this morning at our Bell Labs office in Holmdel, New Jersey to test the software changes I made to the protocol handler we are working on. I am finally on my way at 10:05. I haven’t called him. As a result of bad planning, or more likely because l drank up every bit of alcohol